~~Throwback~~
One of the most significant relationships of my life, if not THE MOST significant relationship of my life occurred with Manuel.
Manuel and I first corresponded with each other in a friendly way. I didn’t think anything of him, really, just a nice guy. We wrote to each other for months, and never mentioned pictures, sexual preferences, or anything. It was platonic.
However, when I first laid eyes on him, I was immediately stricken by how handsome he was.
Thick, athletic body; smooth, shaven head. Nice features. Olive skin. Beautiful smile. Laid back, confident demeanor. I was all over it.
Our first date, we went out to this café by a small lake. I ordered some sort of sandwich without the bread (lol). We chatted and discovered we had more in common than what we originally thought!
We went back to hang out at his place. He told me to close my eyes. He disappeared for a moment, then came out gripping a menacing black gun.
I immediately turned into a quivering pile.
I could barely look at him, look at the gun, I was so scared. He stood in the corner across from me and witnessed how I nervously couldn’t look his direction.
I had no idea if the gun was loaded, if the gun was on safety or not, I knew nothing about guns.
I honestly didn’t even know this man, he could kill me right now.
He saw my extreme discomfort and fear, and was relaxed, intrigued, and turned on.
He brought the gun closer to me, and I was turned on, but also so scared and so vulnerable, so unprotected, so subject to him and whatever he would want.
He pointed the gun to my temple and I quivered. He stood over me and put the barrel in my mouth. I looked up at him with huge, terrified eyes. He made me suck it. I let the barrel go in my mouth as I wrapped my tongue around it and felt the hard metal inside my mouth. He took the gun out and pressed the tip against my neck. My breath was caught and I couldn’t breath or move. He ran the gun along the other side and pressed it against me while I shook and reveled in the fear. He came in close and I felt his hot breath on my face and neck while he explored how his actions created reactions in me….
I did love the feeling of danger, I did love how my life was in my hands, I did love how transgessive and criminal this felt, I did love how fearless he was, and how fearful I was. I loved how primal this felt. How dominant he was. How submissive I felt. How absolutely scared I was, how naïve I felt. How he could demand absolutely anything of me, and I would have had to concede. How in control and completely VITAL this was. Mortal danger. It made me hot!
I think the hotness of this was…well, it was just fucking hot!!!..but part of it was that I didn’t really know him very well, we just just barely met in person, and so there was this true fear of danger. If I had known him for years, and knew that he would never harm me, then perhaps this wouldn’t have worked out so well, but because he WAS a stranger, and also because I knew absolutely knew nothing about guns at the time (and still know very little), all circumstances were stacked to create this true sense of insecurity and danger.
After that experience with Manuel, I was whipped on his freakiness (and his personality), and we ended up staying together for years.
I fell in love with the guy who would pull a gun on me for a first date 😉
Xoxoxo
Lexxxy